After being in a few break ups, you know when you are starting to get back on your feet and into the single swing. You start having a spring in your step again, feel okay with everything that occurred, and start to bounce back. Of course, this takes time, weeks, months, even years. But every once in a while, right when you think you are getting back to being you instead of we, something happens that takes you back to that place you were right after it all happened, right after it all ended, right after the breakup.
For me, this happened yesterday. After making plans and having them fall, I was stuck with torturing thoughts about my last relationship. It’s never easy. And every one goes through it. All those “what if’s…” washed over me like a tsunami and took hold. It’s hard to get out of that hole once it’s been dug but escape does happen. Friends help and having a cuddly little fur ball like Bailey lick my face makes all my trouble melt.
In the end, break ups are not easy. It takes time for you to grieve, to heal, and to get to being you. I’ve been trying to do all this the last few weeks and even though there are bad moments, there are a lot of good ones too. And it’s the good ones that help to get you through when there are bad one.
Today, one week away from our two-year anniversary, my boyfriend and I broke up. We have been in long-distance relationship for the last 9 months. I kept thinking that when he graduated in December he would move to San Antonio and find a job here so we could continue our relationship and be together.
Things, like always in my life, didn’t go according to plan. He was able to find a job, with a help of family friends, with Del Monte, in Crystal City, Texas. Crystal City, Texas is out in the middle of no where with nothing in it. It is an hour and half from Del Rio and San Antonio from opposite sides. He has plans to move to Uvalde which would cut the drive in half but is an hour or so away from San Antonio, where I live.
Basically, we would still continue our long-distance relationship and that’s not what I want. I assumed that when he graduated the distance would end but it didn’t. These types of obstacles add tons and tons of stress on the relationship especially if there is no end in sight. There is constant planning for possible weekend visits and the disappointment when things don’t follow through. After month of enduring it with the hope of change that didn’t come, I could no long continue.
I am still in love with him. There is nothing I would do for him. I saw myself marrying him, him being the father of my child and so much more. This has nothing to do with him or with love. It has to do with me and the distance. I can easily say that I am a selfish person. I need constant attention and companionship from my mate. The distance was making it hard for me to get what I wanted and when I did, it came with a less than 48 hour life span. I felt like I had a relationship with my phone instead of my boyfriend. The added stress of the relationship along with my stress due to other issues made it too much to handle. I had to make a choice. I love him so much and it hurts to do this but there are just some times that you need to think of your needs first.
We are doing this by trial. This means that after a few weeks or so we can reassess the situation to see if this is the permanent decision. I just need time. Time for myself, to figure out my dreams, my thoughts, my feelings. I feel like my head and my heart are on vacation somewhere and haven’t returned causing me to stress out and get frustrated with everything and everyone. I’m waiting for they lay-over in Las Vegas to be over soon.
Sometimes you just have to do it, even if you don’t to do it, for yourself. And just feel so lost in the whole process and it just makes you wonder why.
