Taken Back

After being in a few break ups, you know when you are starting to get back on your feet and into the single swing.   You start having a spring in your step again, feel okay with everything that occurred, and start to bounce back.  Of course, this takes time, weeks, months, even years.  But every once in a while, right when you think you are getting back to being you instead of we, something happens that takes you back to that place you were right after it all happened, right after it all ended, right after the breakup.

For me, this happened yesterday.  After making plans and having them fall, I was stuck with torturing thoughts about my last relationship.  It’s never easy.  And every one goes through it.  All those “what if’s…” washed over me like a tsunami and took hold.   It’s hard to get out of that hole once it’s been dug but escape does happen.  Friends help and having a cuddly little fur ball like Bailey lick my face makes all my trouble melt.

In the end, break ups are not easy.  It takes time for you to grieve, to heal, and to get to being you.  I’ve been trying to do all this the last few weeks and even though there are bad moments, there are a lot of good ones too.   And it’s the good ones that help to get you through when there are bad one.

Your Heart Will Set You Free…

I think we have all heard cliques like that 234,098,651 times in our lifetimes.  Those tried and true (to an extent) sayings repeated to make you feel better about a situation.  Sometimes they work, sometimes they don’t.

The one that has been going for me the last week is “follow your heart.”  Well, I did and it failed.  But even though I followed my heart and the risk I took didn’t pan out the way I thought it would, I can’t beat myself over the head about it.  All I can do is be satisfied with the fact that I gave something (someone) my heart and soul.  I tried my best, did everything I could and even if it wasn’t enough, I can’t blame myself.  All I can do is let go of the pain, anger, frustration, sadness, and hurt. (I’m trying to do this right now.) It won’t be until I’m able to let go of all these feelings, and then some, that I will truly be able to move on.

At one point each and every one of the billions of people on Earth will fall in love.  For some, it will only happen once and they won’t the feeling of heartbreak.  For others, it’s a little bit different.  There will be love and loss.  Eventually love will come out again though.  Maybe for good, maybe not but will all experience it once.

In the end, I decided to follow my heart for the first time in my life.  I can’t be mad at myself for doing that but what do I do now?  All I can do get a little bit stronger because all this is just lessons learned.

Sleepless Nights

Everyone has had a sleepless night at least once in their lifetime.  A sleepless night can be attributed to a multitude of issues.  But the common factor is that whatever the issue is, it is greater than you ever really thought it was.

More often than not the issues that cause us to lose sleep on are not very happy.  They can range from financial troubles, to work problems, to relationship woes.  The end result is the same, a person tossing and turning not able to get a wink because their mind is racing about a mile a minute, or maybe ten miles a minute, about it.

Tonight is one of those nights.  They always say that when you can’t sleep to write down what is worrying you and then try again and you’ll be able to fall asleep.  I’ve done that already and have yet to succeed.  As I see the minutes click by, I just keep wondering what time it will actually be when I get to sleep.  Will it be 1am or 2am or 3?  Will I ever?

I wish this could be me right now.

Why, Hello Summer/Warm Weather

Living in San Antonio and Texas, you have a ridiculously long summer.  It usually starts around March and end in October.  Yes, summer is 8 months.  But June, July, and August are hell.  No seriously, it’s 95 by 10am!!  Going outside is not an option, unless you’ll be by a pool or river or some other aquatic body. 

Any who, when I moved to the Mid-Atlantic area I was introduced to this thing called seasons.  It’s when the weather shifts from cold to warm, warm to hot, hot to cool, and cool to cold.  Yeah, crazy, I know.  But in May, it starts to get warm, people start doing things outside, and the use for heavy coats is finally over.  YAY!!

With Memorial Day around the corner, the unofficial start of summer is here and this girl couldn’t be happier.  All those pairs of shorts, skirts, and dresses that were shoved to the back of my closet since November has started to reemerge into my wardrobe.  I couldn’t be a happier person!!

And because it’s not Texas and one can actually be outside, there are outdoor events during the weekends.  Crazy thought!!  A ton of places around town have outdoor movie nights which I think is just genius.  The BF and I went to one last night to see Casablanca.  It was great to see this huge crowd of people just outside, on picnic blankets, having fun.  Now that’s something you don’t see back in San Antonio.  Totally something I’m going to take full advantage of.

In the end, I am thrilled that the sun is out, the birds are chirping, and the smell of hotdogs is in the air.  I could do without the allergies though.

Sometimes You Just Have To Do It For Yourself

Today, one week away from our two-year anniversary, my boyfriend and I broke up.  We have been in long-distance relationship for the last 9 months.  I kept thinking that when he graduated in December he would move to San Antonio and find a job here so we could continue our relationship and be together.

Things, like always in my life, didn’t go according to plan.  He was able to find a job, with a help of family friends, with Del Monte, in Crystal City, Texas.  Crystal City, Texas is out in the middle of no where with nothing in it.  It is an hour and half from Del Rio and San Antonio from opposite sides.  He has plans to move to Uvalde which would cut the drive in half but is an hour or so away from San Antonio, where I live.

Basically, we would still continue our long-distance relationship and that’s not what I want.  I assumed that when he graduated the distance would end but it didn’t.  These types of obstacles add tons and tons of stress on the relationship especially if there is no end in sight.  There is constant planning for possible weekend visits and the disappointment when things don’t follow through.  After month of enduring it with the hope of change that didn’t come, I could no long continue.

I am still in love with him.  There is nothing I would do for him.  I saw myself marrying him, him being the father of my child and so much more.  This has nothing to do with him or with love.  It has to do with me and the distance.  I can easily say that I am a selfish person.  I need constant attention and companionship from my mate.  The distance was making it hard for me to get what I wanted and when I did, it came with a less than 48 hour life span. I felt like I had a relationship with my phone instead of my boyfriend.  The added stress of the relationship along with my stress due to other issues made it too much to handle.  I had to make a choice.  I love him so much and it hurts to do this but there are just some times that you need to think of your needs first.

We are doing this by trial.  This means that after a few weeks or so we can reassess the situation to see if this is the permanent decision.  I just need time.  Time for myself, to figure out my dreams, my thoughts, my feelings.  I feel like my head and my heart are on vacation somewhere and haven’t returned causing me to stress out and get frustrated with everything and everyone.  I’m waiting for they lay-over in Las Vegas to be over soon.

Sometimes you just have to do it, even if you don’t to do it, for yourself.  And just feel so lost in the whole process and it just makes you wonder why.

Facebook Nonsense

Earlier when I was looking at my news feed on FB, I found a very interesting string of comments made by two girls that were my roommates during my internship while I was in Washington DC in the Spring of 2008.  The comments were:

Girl 1: Love your picture!!!! Reminds me of some good times.

Girl 2: Yes..it’s hard to believe it was so long ago…Over 18 months ago! I miss it! Can you believe Sophie and Marc are still together? Nobody saw that coming! I’m definitely happy for Sophie though.

I found this comment very intriguing given the fact that I not talked to either of this girls since we left DC.  Yes, Marc and I are still together, happily in love.  I know, it’s crazy to think how our relationship started since we were both roommates and it’s now 20 months later.  Knowing full well I might be over analzying this but I do get a bit of passive agressiveness in the last two sentences. “Nobody saw that coming!” and “I’m definitely happy for Sophie though.”  It’s like being happy for a person you know even though what you think they are doing is stupid and you would never do it yourself.  Yes, I know, I’m over-reacting about these little statements (what else is new) but I just think it’s funny.  Oh well.  C’est la vie!