Taken Back

After being in a few break ups, you know when you are starting to get back on your feet and into the single swing.   You start having a spring in your step again, feel okay with everything that occurred, and start to bounce back.  Of course, this takes time, weeks, months, even years.  But every once in a while, right when you think you are getting back to being you instead of we, something happens that takes you back to that place you were right after it all happened, right after it all ended, right after the breakup.

For me, this happened yesterday.  After making plans and having them fall, I was stuck with torturing thoughts about my last relationship.  It’s never easy.  And every one goes through it.  All those “what if’s…” washed over me like a tsunami and took hold.   It’s hard to get out of that hole once it’s been dug but escape does happen.  Friends help and having a cuddly little fur ball like Bailey lick my face makes all my trouble melt.

In the end, break ups are not easy.  It takes time for you to grieve, to heal, and to get to being you.  I’ve been trying to do all this the last few weeks and even though there are bad moments, there are a lot of good ones too.   And it’s the good ones that help to get you through when there are bad one.

Palm Reading

A few weeks ago while walking around in Georgetown, my bestie Lindsey and I saw a sign for $5 Palm Readings.  So excited we climbed the stairs to the office only to find that they were closed.  We were very disappointed, called the number on the sign and complained that they shouldn’t have the sign out on the sidewalk when they were closed.  Total false advertisement. 

This past weekend, we decided to give it another go since we were in Georgetown again.  To our surprise, not really surprise but whatever, the place was closed!!  But then Lindsey remember of a place up in Dupont Circle that does palm readings.  We were determined to get our palms read so decided to give it a shot.

So we got to Dupont Circle and met with Charley who read our palms.  I only did one while Lindsey did two.  Supposedly, two palm reading let you see a little more into the future.  Any who, Charley told me some very interesting things.  Some of it had to do with my job, others with my future, and one about a previous relationship.  She said I had a good heart and life line even though I’m not too sure what that means.  Oh and that I’ll have two kids.  By this, my initial thought was “Does Bailey count as one?”  I hope she does.  Me and children just don’t get along. 

Afterwards, I took some time looking at my own palm and started to wonder if it really held the truths to my future.  I’m sure it does, to some degree but who knows.  I used this website for a little help even though I think I ended up getting more confused.  Why are there so many lines and stuff?  Can’t this just be simple…

Even though I like to take things like horscopes and palm readings with a grain of salt, it’s always fun to indulge.

Book Review: The Five People You Meet in Heaven

So lately, I’ve had a lot of free time on my hands.  And I’ve had a lot of reading from that free time. Any who, in my collection of “Books to Read” was this little gem by Mitch Albom.  Now, I haven’t read any of his other works even though I’ve wanted to, especially Tuesdays with Morrie.  (I don’t have it in my collection of “Books to Read” but it is on my list.)

The Five People You Meet in Heaven is a philosophical fiction novel centered around Eddie, his birthdays, his death, and the people he meets.  There are some he knows and some he doesn’t but they all impacted his life, in a positive and negative way.  All the people also teach Eddie a lesson about life.  About patience, about love, and about hope.

It’s an easy read but by the end of the book, the reader is left to wonder, “Who will my five people be?”  Truth be told, I was crying in about half the book because I found it so personal and real.  Sadly enough, I wonder about my own dad who were his five people and if he would be one of mine.

Anyways, I highly recommend it.  It definitely makes you reassess your previous, present, and future interactions, acquaintances, and relationships.

Tribute To My Father

On this Father’s day, the second without my dad, I’ve decided to pay tribute to my dad. I think this day has a different meaning for anyone.  Those who are, those who aren’t, those that have lost one, those that have never met theirs.

But no matter what your “relationship” may be, there is someone there that has left a mark on you as a person.  I’m sure there is a lot of people who would call their dad the best dad ever and rattle off things that make their dad the best.

The most important thing my dad taught me was integrity.  I can honestly say my dad helped mold me into the adult I am today.  (I’m sure I’m not the only person who says that.) He showed me strength to survive, to think, to fight for what I believe in.  He showed me what it takes to live a good life.  He made me believe in myself, in the person I am, and who I want to become.

The list of things I love about my dad could go on for days so I’ll spare that for another time.  At the end of it all, days like today make me miss my dad more than usual.  Makes me wish I could just give him to tell him I love, give him a huge bear hug, and have him kiss my forehead.  Just one more time…

Your Heart Will Set You Free…

I think we have all heard cliques like that 234,098,651 times in our lifetimes.  Those tried and true (to an extent) sayings repeated to make you feel better about a situation.  Sometimes they work, sometimes they don’t.

The one that has been going for me the last week is “follow your heart.”  Well, I did and it failed.  But even though I followed my heart and the risk I took didn’t pan out the way I thought it would, I can’t beat myself over the head about it.  All I can do is be satisfied with the fact that I gave something (someone) my heart and soul.  I tried my best, did everything I could and even if it wasn’t enough, I can’t blame myself.  All I can do is let go of the pain, anger, frustration, sadness, and hurt. (I’m trying to do this right now.) It won’t be until I’m able to let go of all these feelings, and then some, that I will truly be able to move on.

At one point each and every one of the billions of people on Earth will fall in love.  For some, it will only happen once and they won’t the feeling of heartbreak.  For others, it’s a little bit different.  There will be love and loss.  Eventually love will come out again though.  Maybe for good, maybe not but will all experience it once.

In the end, I decided to follow my heart for the first time in my life.  I can’t be mad at myself for doing that but what do I do now?  All I can do get a little bit stronger because all this is just lessons learned.

Sleepless Nights

Everyone has had a sleepless night at least once in their lifetime.  A sleepless night can be attributed to a multitude of issues.  But the common factor is that whatever the issue is, it is greater than you ever really thought it was.

More often than not the issues that cause us to lose sleep on are not very happy.  They can range from financial troubles, to work problems, to relationship woes.  The end result is the same, a person tossing and turning not able to get a wink because their mind is racing about a mile a minute, or maybe ten miles a minute, about it.

Tonight is one of those nights.  They always say that when you can’t sleep to write down what is worrying you and then try again and you’ll be able to fall asleep.  I’ve done that already and have yet to succeed.  As I see the minutes click by, I just keep wondering what time it will actually be when I get to sleep.  Will it be 1am or 2am or 3?  Will I ever?

I wish this could be me right now.

Why, Hello Summer/Warm Weather

Living in San Antonio and Texas, you have a ridiculously long summer.  It usually starts around March and end in October.  Yes, summer is 8 months.  But June, July, and August are hell.  No seriously, it’s 95 by 10am!!  Going outside is not an option, unless you’ll be by a pool or river or some other aquatic body. 

Any who, when I moved to the Mid-Atlantic area I was introduced to this thing called seasons.  It’s when the weather shifts from cold to warm, warm to hot, hot to cool, and cool to cold.  Yeah, crazy, I know.  But in May, it starts to get warm, people start doing things outside, and the use for heavy coats is finally over.  YAY!!

With Memorial Day around the corner, the unofficial start of summer is here and this girl couldn’t be happier.  All those pairs of shorts, skirts, and dresses that were shoved to the back of my closet since November has started to reemerge into my wardrobe.  I couldn’t be a happier person!!

And because it’s not Texas and one can actually be outside, there are outdoor events during the weekends.  Crazy thought!!  A ton of places around town have outdoor movie nights which I think is just genius.  The BF and I went to one last night to see Casablanca.  It was great to see this huge crowd of people just outside, on picnic blankets, having fun.  Now that’s something you don’t see back in San Antonio.  Totally something I’m going to take full advantage of.

In the end, I am thrilled that the sun is out, the birds are chirping, and the smell of hotdogs is in the air.  I could do without the allergies though.

Bad Things to Good People

Sergio Antillon was someone I met about 5 years ago, give or take.  I worked with him when I was working at Sea World when I was 18 or so.   He was one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met.  He was a true gentleman.  A patient person.  Had character and conviction.  Would never do a person wrong, even if they wronged him.  Dedicated to serving others.

I recently found out that he joined SAPD.  I recently found out he was hit by a drunk driver.  And today I found out he passed away due to it.

The back story: Sergio was going home after his night shift as a cop when he saw a fellow officer at the scene of an accident.  I’m sure he would have stopped if he was an officer on duty, off duty, or a regular citizen.  He was that type of person.  At the scene of the accident, while outside helping the other officer, Sergio was hit by a drunk driver and pinned against a guard rail.  He was taken to the hospital in very critical condition.  Almost two weeks later he lost the fight for his life.

All this is very saddening to me.  Not just because I knew him but because he was one of those people who you knew would be going places.  Who stand up for good.  Who would do the right thing, no matter what.  Who could make the world a better place.  Unfortunately, because of one person’s bad decision this will never happen.  Because one person, Sandra Briggs, thought she was okay to drive.  But because she was intoxicated she did not have control of her car as it slammed into Sergio.

The truth of the matter is that this story isn’t a rare occasion.  It’s far too familiar for many of us.  We hear about it daily on tv, on the internet, and on the radio.  We all know what we should not do, drink and drive.  But for some, they continue to think it’s okay.  That they are the exception to the rule.  That they are invincible to it all.  That it won’t happen to them.  But when it does happen to them, they are able to walk away from it while someone else has to fight for their life, and even lose sometimes.

A question I’m sure everyone at some point in their life has asked themselves is “Why do bad things happen to good people?”  Anyone who has gone through a personal struggle can attest to asking this.  It’s a question that you want an answer to because you feel that with an answer, it will make things better.  I asked it many times after my dad passed away.  Constantly to my mom.  Her response put things in perspective for me.  She said,

“It’s not that bad things happen to good people, it’s that the good people are people we care about.  It’s people we know.  It’s not that bad things don’t happen to bad people, it’s that we don’t hear about them because we don’t care about them.  Bad things happen to everyone.  It’s who it happens to that matters to you.”

Rest In Peace Sergio Antillon

Sometimes You Just Have To Do It For Yourself

Today, one week away from our two-year anniversary, my boyfriend and I broke up.  We have been in long-distance relationship for the last 9 months.  I kept thinking that when he graduated in December he would move to San Antonio and find a job here so we could continue our relationship and be together.

Things, like always in my life, didn’t go according to plan.  He was able to find a job, with a help of family friends, with Del Monte, in Crystal City, Texas.  Crystal City, Texas is out in the middle of no where with nothing in it.  It is an hour and half from Del Rio and San Antonio from opposite sides.  He has plans to move to Uvalde which would cut the drive in half but is an hour or so away from San Antonio, where I live.

Basically, we would still continue our long-distance relationship and that’s not what I want.  I assumed that when he graduated the distance would end but it didn’t.  These types of obstacles add tons and tons of stress on the relationship especially if there is no end in sight.  There is constant planning for possible weekend visits and the disappointment when things don’t follow through.  After month of enduring it with the hope of change that didn’t come, I could no long continue.

I am still in love with him.  There is nothing I would do for him.  I saw myself marrying him, him being the father of my child and so much more.  This has nothing to do with him or with love.  It has to do with me and the distance.  I can easily say that I am a selfish person.  I need constant attention and companionship from my mate.  The distance was making it hard for me to get what I wanted and when I did, it came with a less than 48 hour life span. I felt like I had a relationship with my phone instead of my boyfriend.  The added stress of the relationship along with my stress due to other issues made it too much to handle.  I had to make a choice.  I love him so much and it hurts to do this but there are just some times that you need to think of your needs first.

We are doing this by trial.  This means that after a few weeks or so we can reassess the situation to see if this is the permanent decision.  I just need time.  Time for myself, to figure out my dreams, my thoughts, my feelings.  I feel like my head and my heart are on vacation somewhere and haven’t returned causing me to stress out and get frustrated with everything and everyone.  I’m waiting for they lay-over in Las Vegas to be over soon.

Sometimes you just have to do it, even if you don’t to do it, for yourself.  And just feel so lost in the whole process and it just makes you wonder why.

Dealing with Grief

Many of us have dealt with death in one way or another, it’s just part of life.  And even though we know it’s going to happen, death, it still hurts when it does.

My father passed away three days before Christmas this year.  It’s been about a month and half.  Going through the new “normal” routines with out him are still hard.  The house is littered with memories.  Things will trigger an unexpected cry or a moment of remembrance, or just the simple thought that he will never return.

I was always a daddy’s little girl.  He would have given me the world if I asked him or it.  I am happy and glad that we was around for so many years with me.  He really was a great father.  In this day and age, many children grow up without a father, without a male figure in their lives.  I should  feel lucky that I had one that cared and loved me so much.  Yet, I’m selfish.  This is know.  I’m bitter that he’s not going to be with me any more or that he just left so fast.  Just knowing that it’s all over is a hard thing to accept.

As the days go on, the waves of hurt, sadness, pain, and abandonment grow farther apart. Even though they might be farther apart, that doesn’t mean they still don’t hurt and sometimes hurt even worse.  Just like the real waves in the ocean, a beating of little waves can still erode a rock, it can still break me down.

In an attempt to filter my energy into other mediums, I am currently training to get my teaching certification.  I’ve always felt like I can help people.  As an educator, I can help and teach the youth of tomorrow the skills and knowledge they need.  My inspiration for all this is, of course, my dad.  Even though he was illiterate, this didn’t impede him from being successful and a role model.

And in the remarkable words of Robert Frost: “Life goes on.”